Your love, My love
by KSCmemories
Summary: Not you're average Shiznat fiction. Romance comes in many forms, love does too. Natsuki may have a different type of love, but that doesn't mean it's any less strong. With fears on both sides of the coin, it's up to them to fix the misunderstandings.
1. Chapter 1

Ok, I know this is gonna get a few raised eyebrows, but the idea has been eating away at me for a long time, so, I thought I'd start this. I really think that as far as Natsuki was concerned, I could really see this happening. I don't know how long this will be, but I have a feeling the chapters are going to be short...the actual length of the fiction remains to be seen, although, I do have the outline already done. It could be done in a few chapters (minimum of five/ max like seven), or it could be drawn out into a long story with even more plot, but I guess it'll just depend on if this gets a lot of fans or not. Reader base, you guys have the option to decide! :P

I've never done something quite like this before.

I don't own Mai HiME

Chapter 1: Don't Misunderstand.

* * *

><p><em>Shizuru...I'm sorry I really am. I never meant for this to get so out of hand. I regret what I said. It wasn't that I was lying or anything...no...it was more like I was telling you a truth I kept hidden within me. Do you remember what I told you that day? Do you remember the hurtful thing I said? I told you that I could not return your love. I was stupid, saying it that way was just dumb. The truth is, I really don't know if I can or not, Shizuru. The thing is, I just don't get...gods this is like confessing to a brick wall...why am I even doing things this way? I probably look like a nut job. Excellent...<br>_

_Anyway, I don't think loving another girl is wrong or anything...I wouldn't want you thinking like that. I do like you. I just don't have an attraction towards you the way you do me. No! Wrong! Ok, not how I meant to say that, but...um...Jesus this is hard. I don't have feelings in a physical light. I mean, I might, but they've never been awakened? No, that's not right either. Shizuru, you've fallen in love with an idiot! Look, this is just really hard for me to say. I know I'll never say this right, so I'll just say it. Take it for what it is, and not hidden meanings or hateful conclusions. don't try and think, just listen, ok? Please? i don't want you misreading anything. _

_Take it as is it, a sort of confession that I'll never be able to say the best way. This...is hard. It's not that I don't want to make you happy. I do. I really do, because you are my most important person. It's just...Shizuru, I don't hate you. I want the love you give me, and part of it I can accept. Should I stop beating around the bush? I guess so...I just don't know how I can say it._

_Being blunt is the best way...  
>Just please, please don't laugh.<br>Don't hate me either.  
>I'm trying to be serous, and even now, I'm scared.<br>Shizuru...I'm...like...in that way...I just...uh...  
>I'm different.<br>At least, I think I am.  
>I don't really know.<br>I'm still exploring that part of myself.  
><em>

_I can return the love you give me on an emotional level. I know I can, and I want to share my heart with you...but...will it be enough? I just don't know. Honestly. That worries me. I know I blush when you tease me, and we have kissed a few times. That type of thing...it doesn't bother me a whole lot. I mean, kissing I can do...I guess, but, Shizuru...I'm afraid you may want more than that. That's what I mean. I can't return the lust you have for me, the needs you've got hidden within you. I just don't think I can return that. I'm sorry. Shizuru, I wish I could give you more... right now though, I need time and space. I need to figure things out. I've never really known what love is, not fully, until I met you. But now that I know the feeling, I wonder...could you possibly love me...the side of me I've never spoken about? The fears, the hangups? I've got so many..._

_You aren't the only one with sins, Shizuru. It's just, yours are seen outwardly, they are things you feel can never be forgiven. Mine, I can move past, but that doesn't mean you would have the type of love you want. I just don't know if I can give that. At least, not the way you want it...if it is any token prize though, you are the light in my life, and...the feeling in my heart, it transcends any and all physical boundaries. I just wish I could tell you this Shizuru, so that maybe, you could understand._

Vocal journals became a sort of reflection. One could speak mindlessly and then listen at it again later. Natsuki needed that. After the carnival she had bought herself a laptop, one for personal use. She didn't do much with it, but her vocal journals were something she did when she was alone. On sleepless nights, like tonight, she would listen. Looking back on the things she had said, she knew there wasn't really any progress being made. It wasn't as if she expected it or anything. She was who she was. It was that easy. One of her earliest recordings wasn't exactly a lie, but Natsuki couldn't say it was a truth either. She didn't have a way to identify herself, not that she'd ever been good with her feelings anyway. She shook her head when the first one completed. She opened her save files, looking for a slightly later entry. Finding it underneath a long list of random spoken files. All of them were hers.

She found it easier hearing hard truths when it was her own voice saying them. She couldn't yell at herself, blame herself for rude comments or off color replies. If a topic was embarrassing, she knew it was only her and the microphone. Her and her own mind building up the conversations she wished she could have. Her first plan, was that she would give these to Shizuru later. After a few months, she had many to pick from, and seemingly not enough time in the day for a choice. She didn't want to edit them either. Her improvisation made it seem like her, the real her. The person who didn't have all the answers, fumbled over words, blushed out of many emotions. Natsuki wanted it to be real, every last flawed word of it.

Her voice came on again, and she became still as she studied the next recording.

_I think, after further internet searching, I'm what's called an...Asexual? Is that it? I don't know, but it seems like it. I mean I could be wrong, I don't really know for sure. I've looked some things up online, but you know me, I'm an idiot. I can't figure something like that out. If the people I cared about could hear this, then they might be able to help me. It's just, do I want help? No, can't say that I do. I've always gone at my own pace. Everything I've ever done in my life is because I wanted to do it. It just takes time. I honestly don't care what I am, as long as I don't have to do any weird battling anymore. I guess searching for the answers is just making it worse. I wish Mai, or Shizuru knew me, like ya know, knew the problem. It isn't really anything I want to talk about..._

_Is it even a problem? God, I'm so dense, and I know I am. But you'd think I would know something like this. All I know is...I don't want to be alone anymore. Is this love I'm feeling, Shizuru? I wish you could tell me... I'm afraid too. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to wonder if I've done the right thing. Will you think something is wrong with me? You aren't the only one in this...It's just, I'm the one who should be blamed. If I had come out and said all of this, would it be different? Please, if I ever do, don't tease me about it. I'm a walking embarrassment enough as it is. You know I've never really liked talking about this kind of stuff in the first place.  
><em>

"Shizuru..." Natsuki sighed as she closed down her computer, removing her headset and hiding inside her desk drawer. The girl had been on her mind ever since the carnival. Shizuru was a wonderful person. Natsuki would never deny that. She could kick herself all she wanted, but no matter what she did, she remained confused. She wanted to be near Shizuru, wanted to cuddle, hold her closely. Natsuki couldn't deny that she wanted to protect Shizuru through the cold nights, and also, feel that warmth returned. She didn't mind hugging her, the few kisses they had shared were soft, any normal person would have felt their heart flutter. Natsuki wasn't one for much affection, but...she still needed Shizuru. She needed her. She still wanted to wine and dine her...she just didn't want to have sex. Or anything eluding to any sort of bedroom frolic.

The two were on rocky ground. It was even more complex as the days when on. Shizuru honestly thought Natsuki couldn't return her love. She could, and would willingly. Just, not past a particular point. Natsuki hadn't even a name for this oddity until she had been fidgeting around on the internet. That was when she found out there were others like her. Others who wanted romance, just not with everything it entailed. There were others out there who needed the emotional attachment. She wasn't any different. Walking over to her dilapidated sofa, she plopped down, ignoring some of the fluff that went flying. It was going to be another long, cold, and sleepless night. That was the worst kind.

She turned, looking at her picture frame, one taken during the school year. Shizuru was clinging, once again. Natsuki was blushing and yelling, as she always did. She hated pictures. What made it worse was that damned pink dress. It should have been burned. That's what she thought. That was another emotional issue for her, not that she would ever say it. Natsuki liked provocative underwear. She loved the frilly stuff, the kind that made most people in the mood. She saw it rather as a form of art. Scant clothing didn't have to mean sex, far from it actually. She could not deny, she too enjoyed looking at a person who released themselves of their inward chains. The underwear however, was as far as it ever went. The damnable dress was hell, but so was the school uniform, or anything else that was femmine.

She felt weird in skirts, dresses were mostly out of the question, and only when hell froze over, would she wear any makeup. She just liked guy things better. She didn't ever want to be a dude, and took offense to the term "butch" remembering that Nao used that term often. Was is so bad she would rather be comfortable instead of always watching where her legs went? She, personally, didn't think so. In reflection of those days, Shizuru's crush was very obvious. Not that it had been at the time. Now though, Natsuki wondered why she hadn't seen it before. Her bed was cold, the covers were hot... she was a mess tonight. Her mind jumbled with so many confusing feelings.

She wouldn't find sleep here. In fact, she never found sleep here anymore. She shared a dorm with Mai and Mikoto. They were nice enough, but she envied them their position. They didn't do anything weird...but they had each other. She wanted that too, and inwardly she grumbled at the sight of Mikoto in her normal position. Natsuki didn't exactly want her face in someone's chest like that, but she couldn't deny, she wished someone would accept her, and the limits she couldn't go past. Pattering over to the kitchenette, she got a drink of water, and then eyed Mai. The redhead always took care of Mikoto, always offered her enough.

Her loud sighing and moping around hadn't gone unnoticed. The green eyed monster made Natsuki a rather loud person in the dead of night. "Can't sleep?" Mai cracked one eye open. "You'll never pass the exams coming up if you don't at least try." Natsuki didn't answer. She'd rather not wake up Mikoto, it was bad enough the red head had caught her. She walked back over to her bed sitting down. Mai rolled her eyes. "Natsuki, you can sleep over here if you want. You don't have to stay in the corner like that."

Puppy like confusion hit Natsuki before her embarrassment took over. Her eyes slamming shut. "Who said I wanted to sleep over there? I'm fine right where I am." She turned facing the wall, trying to fight off her blush. Just because she wasn't interested in particular things didn't mean she forwent the implications. "I swear, just go back to sleep." Her mind could be just as dirty, she just didn't like when it got that way. It felt wrong. She bristled at the fact that someone would actually want something like that. She wasn't overly lewd, what others did in their own time was fine and dandy...just just didn't want that near her. The teasing made things worse. They thought her shy, and she was...kind of, she could admit that. "Besides, the bed is full..." The last part was quiet, but Mai heard it regardless.

"Why are you always such a pain in the butt." It was a statement. Natsuki grated on her nerves more times than not now that they were roommates. Mai knew waking Mikoto was about as likely as finding an alligator in the refrigerator. Nearly Impossible. The girl slept through much worse than a simple conversation. "Look, do what you want, but really Natsuki, one more won't hurt."

It was quiet in the room after that. Mai closed her eyes and waited. It only took a few minuets of fidgeting before she felt a warmth near her back. Natsuki was lying next to her again, and had been making a habit of it when she thought Mai was asleep. Natsuki was out like a light, easily, causing the redhead to chuckle. "Idiot..." Mai...she was the only one who knew. Mikoto didn't understand the situation, and Natsuki wasn't willing to talk about it with anyone. She was lonely though, and afraid. The Carnival may have been over, but the scars still remained. If that wasn't enough, Natsuki was rough as it was. She hadn't any real parents for most of her life, no siblings that constantly bugged her, no aunts or uncles that she could call for moral support. Nothing. It wasn't any wonder Mai had fallen into the role, acting as the only real support Natsuki had. "If you'd stop being so stubborn, then perhaps we could all sleep."

Sleep. It sounded wonderful. After all, Mai did have exams the next day.

The next day was boring for Natsuki. She may have had to repeat the year, but she only had to do a few of her classes, leaving the rest of her day for electives, which she blew off. After her first three classes she found herself free from school while the others still studied hard. Walking aimlessly was always a bad idea when she was doing it. She was so used too recording herself, that on occasion she would speak out loud, forgetting her voice wasn't being recorded. It often earned her many odd looks. She continued walking without any reason at all, finally ending up at the dorms Shizuru was currently staying in.

She knocked on the door, her eyes filled with confusion. Why was she here now of all times? Natsuki couldn't be sure. She knew Shizuru had classes until early early afternoon and then a few more in the evening. Sighing she placed her key into the lock, allowing herself in. she took off her shoes and the orange annoyance the school considered a jacket. Her white hooded shirt kept her warm enough. After that she sat down on the sofa, she really didn't know why, but she wanted to be here. She wanted to wait for Shizuru. She didn't know if she wanted to confess her inner most thoughts, her deepest worries, or to merely sit in the company of her most dearest one. She wasn't sure if she was ready or not. She just wished Shizuru would come home soon. "I'm tired of being alone..."

-More to come.-

* * *

><p>Well, I honestly haven't seen this idea before, so we're going to test it out. Tell me what you think of this idea, since I honestly don't know if it will gain an interest or not. I just thought it would be a new way to view Natsuki, that's all.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own Mai HiME.

Also, yes, I suppose that Natsuki is just a tiny bit ooc for this, but in the early chapters, I think it necessary. Besides that, unfortunately since I'm not the creator of Mai hime, I can't say I know exactly how she would be written at any given time. It's a best guess most of the time. If you think Natsuki is ooc, then sit tight, because Shizuru can be considered majorly out of proportion. I did say this wasn't going to be your average fiction...so get ready guys, because I have a few more oddities along the way. Also, I wanted to make a note that the idea of the "vocal recordings" comes from the omake we get after each episode in Mai HiME. It's as if they are speaking into a microphone, not at each other... at least, that's how I think of it.

Chapter 2: Quiet Evening In.

* * *

><p>Shizuru's dorm room was for her, and her alone. She didn't share with anyone. Not only that, it was like a small apartment in and of itself. A bedroom, a bathroom, and a common area... it was all spread out. Natsuki could only envy having so much space for herself. She laughed slightly, all of this furniture was owned by the school administration, surely. Shizuru had more refined tastes. She would want a much more traditional setup in her home. The kitchenette was bigger than the one in the high school dorms. It had a full sized fridge, with a decent freezer. The counter space was larger, and the stove had six burners instead of four. The microwave had it's own little nook in the wall where it perched. Mai would be in heaven when she came here. Only a few feat away, a table was on the wall, and with came it four high backed chairs.<p>

Further away from that, the sofa Natsuki found herself sitting on faced the door and the television that hung on the wall. Below it, Shizuru had placed her stereo and her music collection. Other cases, also from the administration, housed books, movies, and a plethora of other goodies. Natsuki knew the bathroom was small already, only having a shower in it. If Shizuru wanted a bath, the woman had to use the public one found in the common bathrooms. Her bedroom was also small. The closet barely fit all of her clothing, her desk squished in the corner, along with her bed in the other corner. Regardless of how small the bedroom was, the all encompassing dorm room was a large step up from the dorm Natsuki shared with Mai and Mikoto.

Their beds, common area, kitchenette, all of it was shoved into one room. Their bathroom was larger and had it's own bath, one that could fit two of them without much of a fuss, but still, Natsuki would have rather lived in a place like this. Where there was actually space to move. She sat in the soundless dorm, Shizuru hadn't returned yet. The sun was peaking into the windows behind her head, bathing the room with a warmed glow. She leaned back, her head falling on the soft throw pillow that decorated one corner of seat. Mai's head was likely crammed into a book by now. She really should be studying too, but she couldn't bring herself to fumble through books. Shizuru kept all of her high school books in a box under her bed. Natsuki could have borrowed them.

It was funny. The biker knew she would have to repeat the year, but she never would have suspected Mai would be held back as well. Her grades had slipped because of the carnival, and in all honesty, they hadn't been very stable to begin with. Mai had jobs to hold down and her ill brother to care for. Between visiting hospitals, working every shift she could at the diner, fighting orphans, and then each other...then taking down the prince himself...Natsuki should have known Mai would get suck. When Takumi finally came back home, Mai was on pins and needles. He was still undergoing physical therapy trying to strengthen his body once more. It was so much expecting Mai would be just fine, thinking something wasn't going to end up plummeting. Natsuki almost felt badly for her, but pity wasn't what any of them needed. Just then, the door began rattling, the owner likely befuddled that she had locked herself out rather than let herself in.

Confused eyes of wine had been scowling at her door key, now they looked ahead of her, where Natsuki sat, understanding crossing her features, calming her worries. She smiled then, soft and serene, her books cradled in one hand, pressing them upon her chest, a small hand bag at her shoulder, and a little bag of groceries dangling from two fingers, she quickly remembered where she was. She placed her books on one of the speakers for her music player before taking her keys out of the door and closing it as quietly as possible. "This is a pleasant surprise, Natsuki." She began unloading what she had gotten at the store. A few instant soup packages and a small box of tea went into the cupboard. "If I knew you were coming I'd have bought something to make a proper dinner."

"It's fine. You have no idea how much I crave just eating simple stuff right about now." Natsuki shrugged it off. It was a good thing Mai was around, or Natsuki would still be eating mayo as a meal. "Mai won't let me eat anything that isn't hand made. Even all of that already prepared stuff is never good enough until after she doctors it up. Not like I'm complaining though. Less for me to worry about." Even now, she saw mayo more as an ingredient than a condiment that should be used sparingly. That caused dismay for anyone who attempted to ween Natsuki of the unhealthy substance. It was a lost cause for the most part. "How was class?" Natsuki asked as she watched Shizuru step into the bathroom for a moment. What ever was left in the bag was probably toiletries.

"It was the same as always, I guess." She too decided to sit down, basking in the ability to relax. They had grown more casual after the carnival. Shizuru was always on guard before, always afraid of letting her feelings slip through. Now though, ever since everything sort of spilled out, it only made things worse when she hid behind the mask. "The professors kept bantering on, and on. Nothing I would deem overtly important though. We're only just getting away from all of our review work. In your own words, today was a complete waste of time. The evening classes I took, business management, that was better. The three hour block is just a bit much though." Shizuru resisted the urge to play hostess, offering something to drink or eat wasn't Natsuki's mode of comfort. She hated feeling waited on, especially not by her friends. If she wanted something, she preferably got it for herself.

"Isn't it always?" Natsuki half muttered. "I know you've done well for yourself, and it's cool you're going to inherit the family's assets, but have you ever thought about what your giving up?"

"I don't believe I'm giving up anything by doing this. I'm an only child, and I find it an honor that father places such high trust within me, especially given the fact's around the corporation." She watched as Natsuki stood up, fidgeting around in the kitchenette for a few moments, pulling out a bowl, and a spoon. "It seems you have concerns though, may I ask what they are?" She squinted in displeasure as she saw that blasted mayo bottle come out from behind the fridge door. It wasn't as if Shizuru hated the substance, she just considered it an occasional addition for a sandwich, or possibly, a salad. She looked even more distracted as she saw a very large glop of it go into the bowl, follow by some milk, and then some cereal. She attempted her best not to cringe outwardly, but it didn't stop her from voicing her opinion. "Yuck, Natsuki, that's disgusting."

"Hmm?" It never seemed possible that such a great meal could be considered in such a way. She shrugged, contently eating her mangled attempt at cereal. "I like it, and that's what matters. You don't have to eat any if you don't want it." She sat down at the table, but she knew Shizuru didn't particularly want to watch her eat it anyway. After a moment, she put her spoon down, her hands resting lightly clenched at the table. She thought about it again. That promise she made herself remember...the future she wanted, it had to start someplace. Was Shizuru sacrificing anything doing this? Natsuki wondered that. The girl let go of her past shell, her emotions were more clear now, but was it what Shizuru wanted? Natsuki remained unsure. The girl always gave everything for those she cared for, often, that was damaging. Shizuru always gave too much. Anyone would break under that pressure, she already had once, and the fallen mask was proof of it.

"My mother..." Natsuki didn't know why she was saying this. It wasn't like it mattered. Dinging up her past wouldn't help much. "She liked mayo. Ate it all the time...not on everything like I do, but...she liked it a lot." She said she was going to move past her old problems, right? Then...maybe if Shizuru knew this part of her, would that be enough for now? "When she died, the first thing I did when I could, was ask for a mayo sandwich. Ever since then, the older I get, the more I eat it. It's just...comforting for me. That's why." It would have to be.

"Natsuki." Shizuru wasn't sure what to do with that little tidbit of information, her mind was swimming.

"Don't." Natsuki began. "Don't try and comfort me, or pity me. Just don't do it Shizuru." She turned then, in her chair, this was the point she was trying to make. "That's why I don't stop eating it. It brings me happiness, a little bit of joy and light into my life. A fond memory I never want to forget. This is what I mean Shizuru. You're changing, and...I dunno, but it seems like the girl I used to know, as insufferable as she could sometimes be, I feel like I'm losing her. I don't know if this is the real you, or if it is just another mask, one you think everyone wants." She went back to her cereal, she didn't much like looking at anyone in the eye. Not during times like this. "But, if it is a mask Shizuru, I want you to stop. If it isn't, I want you to know...it's ok to be playful...like back in school...I don't mind it...sometimes."

It took a moment for Natsuki's meaning to fully sink in. "That's an interesting accusation for someone like you. Normally, you stay out of the affairs of others." Shizuru got up, she was going to prepare some tea if Natsuki intended to have this conversation. "I suppose this would seem different, wouldn't it?" Shizuru sighed, her crimson eyes almost full of mirth. It contrasted heavily with her voice. She almost always sounded different than her face appeared, a perfect poker face. Something she was still trying not to do so often. old habits died hard. "The truth is, I'm not letting go of anything, considering I'm under the impression I've nothing I can gain from that." Her words weren't as sharp as they could have been, but Natsuki picked up the tone. She knew it well now. Fake crying never worked anymore. Natsuki knew now, what her truly pained voice sounded like.

She couldn't fake anything anymore. "I like being playful, I honestly do. However, beyond that, I guess I'm a very stern person. I always have been, I assume. My family has money, quite a lot, and I'm the only heir. It wouldn't due for me in the long run, not having had a proper upbringing. It would have been inexcusable. The classes I'm taking help ensure that I will make smart decisions, and can continue sustaining the companies for the future generation. My father hopes I will birth a son, raising him as the next head of the corporation. If you wish a hard cookie you can chew, nibble on the fact I'm a placeholder and little more than that. If that isn't enough, think about the fact that until my birth, it had only been the men in my family who had been named the heir. I will be the first woman, and that title is a very drastic one indeed. Many oppose it outright."

That got Shizuru thinking, she had been so stressed out recently. When was the last time she actually teased anyone? She couldn't say. It had been some time ago. "You know, back when I was fighting with Nao, we took pot shots at our childhood. I admit, at the time I went too far. Still, this isn't a mask, as much as I wish it was. Part of that woman you saw, ruthless, bitter, angry...part of that is within me. As much as I act childish, I realize it is a front. As long as I kept everyone guessing, I would be fine. No one would harm me, and I could protect you. I felt as if I needed you. The one person who never expected anything of me, never asked me anything even when I gave you just a little. You never wanted more, you never forced it out of me Natsuki. I was, and I still am, my own worst enemy."

That was the thing about Shizuru. It was an early truth that hadn't changed, and likely, never would. If you gave Shizuru an inch, she gave you a mile. That was just how the woman was. Even through her lies and deceit, no matter how much she was hurting, she would always remain loyal. Her lies never hurt others, it was the truths she spoke of. It was as she said herself. She could be ruthless, a machine without even thinking otherwise. It was her forced gentleness that was the lie, the playful girl, she was still around, but Natsuki sensed that the playfulness took a back seat in her daily life. A new kind of gentleness overtook Shizuru when she was at ease. It was the same look Natsuki saw in the flower gardens. Shizuru sometimes did have a dark persona, but also one filled with light. It was those times that no teasing had been dealt, no admonishment, little hiding in the shadows.

That's when it started. That piece clicked into place easily enough. Shizuru always gave, Natsuki always accepted, but it was hesitant at best. Sometimes, Shizuru even used a guilt trip, anything so that Natsuki would take offered help, friendship, perhaps even the love that had developed. She remembered the casual tones, the suggestive jokes were almost always in abundance, and the uncanny ability to understand just what was going on, it made things difficult.

The sounds of a chair scooting out pulled Natsuki away from her thoughts. Shizuru was now sitting across from her, a hot drink in hand. Instant, she quickly noticed, a small string hanging out of the side of the cup. "The carnival had very little involvement with that fact. It merely served as a catalysis for my emotions, finally letting them run wild. That, as you know, invited an entire slew of other problems. Things I can never be forgiven for, however, I feel as if you must understand. It is my fault, and my doing. Had I perhaps allowed myself weakness, then I doubt I would have flown off the handle as much as I did. Either way, it would have happened eventually. I try now, and act as I think, because at least then, others know me as I truly am, just as you do now."

Natsuki nodded. She wasn't going to dispute that. She'd have no reason. Shizuru gave her something, an understanding. It was yet another precious gift from her most important person. Natsuki knew then, it wasn't only her past that plagued the battles. It wasn't only Takumi's death that stoked the burning fires of their little war. It was also Shizuru's stress, her helplessness within herself. The night dragged onward slowly, Natsuki finally ended up passing out on the sofa. It was a welcome and very familiar sight. Natsuki liked sleeping, and often did without question. Shizuru went into her bedroom, preparing herself for bed as well. It was indeed late. Her pillow looked so wonderful, she wished herself a pleasant dream and a restful sleep.

Before that though, she went over and looked at her desk. Natsuki slept like a rock, so Shizuru knew she wouldn't have to worry about being found out. She pressed down the little record button, holding a small cassette device near her mouth.

"Natsuki, today we talked about a lot of things. Some of it, I admit, I fear I may have said too much. I feel as if I can be more honest with you than ever before. Do you remember when we first met? I admonished you for trying to kill that little flower. My, those days were quite difficult. You know, in my younger years of keeping a diary, I thought it fun. Talking about you as I did, it allowed me a perspective I'd never get otherwise. Recently though, I've been mulling through them. Some of my earlier ones, they were more up beat...more, well, I'm not exactly sure there is a word for it. In general, I seem to skim past most of my inward thoughts at the time, instead it is about you. Only about you. Even now, hearing myself speaking as I am, I assume it is the same."

"You always called me odd back then. Perhaps I am just a little weird. You and I, we are much the same. I guess, in retrospect, everything I said back then makes a lot of sense. You were always alone, all the time. You'd gaze off into the world in front of you, that aggravated scowl on your face...I was jealous of that you know. You could act out in class, constantly you damned the rules for all within earshot. I felt compelled and slightly drawn towards it. I felt as if you were what I had always wanted to be. You didn't like me though. I remember some of the crass things you spoke of. I still wonder who taught you some of those more...shall we say, colorful words? Yes, I think that fits nicely. At first, I think, deep down, I was a little offended, but not at you. It was at myself, feeling so insecure over some angry little girl...I'd never felt that way before."

"I had tried avoiding trouble, you see. So, I found myself highly bewildered when you went stomping past me, ranting about god only knows. What was even more absurd, was that I actually followed you. That was our fated meeting, when I assume I finally understood the hurt in your eyes. I think I might have given you a fright. You did seem shocked. That was why I did what I did. You made an error, and I, out of careful calculation, responded. I learned teasing you provoked a response, angered though it was. It defined who we were I guess. So today, when I saw your worry, I think that's why I spoke the depths I'd often rather not say. It was for you, just like the teasing used to be. I think you liked it, that someone, anyone in this world could understand you. Now, I think you understand why. You've always been a fussy girl Natsuki. I like that about you, even if you don't."

"I'll never forget when I forced you into that pink summer dress. I remember it well, it was short, and had frills on the arms and around the neckline. I wanted you to wear it just once, before you started high school. It even had a small ribbon tied into a bow, you refused to let me help tie it. A pout fixed that, didn't it? I remember, it was a little revealing on you, I guess when I was in middle school, I was shorter than you were. I remember the underwear you had on that day very well. It had blue straps, but the rest of it was green. The panties and bra matched. You said you liked it because it was worn in and you liked sleeping in it. You were so annoyed when I made the comment, I thought you'd likely bite my head off... 'Natsuki.' I had said... 'Your tight little bum is showing, best cover it up.' I hadn't seen you quite so provoked in all of my life, at least, not at the time. You were so different than most girls, Natsuki, you hide so much between a tough front and a childlike innocence. I know you want nothing more than to hide under the blankets sometimes... it's just that you're too proud, you can't simply say it."

"I wish I knew more about you Natsuki. More than I already know. I see your surface, and, I thought I had seen the depths, but I was wrong. The kiss...when you told me you couldn't love me like I loved you...you showed me that back then...tonight, I was reminded that even if I know you, I don't know everything. I can't see past the hurt, or the simple joys. I wish I could, if I did, I could understand you more. You are a confusion Natsuki, just as much of a mystery for me as you always have been. You sometimes get this far off look, and sometimes, I think it is a bad thing, I berate myself thinking I did it, but, that look came again today...and, it was a happy memory, an explanation. Just like always Natsuki, all I want, is seeing you smile. I always wait for it."

"You wanted to know why I don't tease you any more? It is because, as much as I love that blush, I just want a true smile. Not one forced, or one of bitter sweet solace. I want your smile to light up the room while standing by my side. It is all I've ever wanted Natsuki, that's it. Purely, only, your happiness. I'd never ask for your heart, only, that you, my love, will always be filled with joy, and teaming with laughter. If I could have that, I too, would be fulfilled. It would simply be icing on the cake, if I could be the one that makes that joy come along."

-More to come when I get a chance.-

* * *

><p>I don't know when the next update will be. If it isn't some time this week, you guys will need to wait until next week. I promise you won't have to wait longer than that.<p> 


End file.
